www.thesecretgardener.blogspot.com

Y
Sunday, November 11, 2007

我和你啊存在一种危险关系
彼此挟持这另一部份的自己
本以为这完整了爱的定义
那就乖乖的守护着你
相爱变成猜忌怀疑的烂游戏
规则是要憋着呼吸越靠越近
但你的温柔是我唯一沉溺
你是爱我的就不怕有缝隙
在我心上用力的开一枪
让一切归零在这声巨响
如果爱是说什么都不能放
我不挣扎反正我也没差
人质在这一刻得到释放
相爱的纯粹落得如此下场
你满意吗我们都别说谎

No more games. This is my final promise to you.

One that I'll true to my words.

goodbye Kenneth.

12:26 AM

Y
Wednesday, November 7, 2007

went to AMK again..so many things i cant let go..

i'm so tired..so tired of everything.

skeptical. even thot i was probably sneaking around behind his back. if i had the intention to, need i wait for so long?!

i noe this will not last. why cant we end it sooner than later.

11:30 PM

Y
Wednesday, October 31, 2007

let me go and you will find someone.

11:53 PM

Y
Monday, October 29, 2007

What my choice of pig reveals of my personality:

5:51 PM

why do i always hafta make myself feel so miserable.

why did i even hafta ask when i alrdy knew wot was coming.

me: i've been meaning to ask. do you look forward to rtning to SG cos your friends are her and you've more to do etc or seeing me.

him: i dun feel there's a need for me to ans that.

i shud noe better.

i really shud get myself outta this shite. yea, he said he yearns stability but NOBODY said it was to be with me forever. face up to the music. quit being delusional.

after 3 years, he aint gonna come running back to me and giving methe lifetime commitment i've been yearning for. sure, half a year's whizzed by. but tt doesnt mean anything. just be grateful if he's gonna be ard still in a mth or two to come.

a miracle's wot i need. desperately.

2:34 AM

Y
Wednesday, October 24, 2007

i understand this is last minute but would you be able to come by this morning...

too soon. way too soon.

it was over before i knew it. i had everything planned. head home. see a doc to get some medicine so i cud sleep the afternoon away, no questions asked.

then i found myself in AMK. i wandered aimlessly ard the mall. then i took the bus. i alighted at his place then took a bus in the opposite direction, back to the train station. i went to town. to our favourite haunts. it hurt. terribly. images of us walking along scotts road, stopping by pac plaze, far east plaza, borders. i was so consumed with thoughts of us that i hadnt realised i was feeling extremely tired. until i blacked out. didnt appear tt much time had passed else cos i woke up to find a very kind lady who was fanning me and repeatedly called out my name. theni learnt that she'd browsed my wallet to look for a name. she hailed a cab and saw tt i boarded it before walking away. i didnt get a name. god sent an angel.

it ended when he said i was turning into the biggest mistake he cud have ever made. how all the flaws, my history and the problems that he overlooked to be with me are the things tt will kill him first. how i am really making him regret all that he has done for me. i knew then that it was over between us.

i'm sorry i dont feel the same way he does. being together with him was the best thing tt cud have ever happened to me. my only regret is getting him entwined in this mess of mine. my screwed up life. i nvr belonged there. he deserves someone better. that was a fact i'd known all this while but simply refused to face up to the music. refused to let him go till i became such a monster. a very obsessive one.

i loved him so much. he was my partner, my soulmate and my best friend. I cant imagine life without him. my worst fear has now become reality.

sure, i thought of him to be a little arrogant, accustomed to having his way. but even with his faults, i had longed to marry him. i prayed he wud eventually ask. dating him was the most enjoyable time in my life. if not with the baggage tt was involved. he had been charming and attentive, fun-loving. he made me feel special. and cared for. protected.

knowing he and those times are now a permanent part of the past.

living without him is too much to bear.

i want to get out of this misery.

i duno how.

but i noe i will.

this is too painful.

9:07 PM

Y
Monday, October 22, 2007

honestly, just how foolish can you get. tinking you are someone indispensable in his life.

you'll never learn don't you.

did you really think it was your well-being and future that he was worried about when you told him you contemplated keeping it. NO. do you not remember wot he said about having everything linked to him. he was only concerned about himself.

you told him you were going ahead with the op. did he ask when. nt tt it really matters if he did. it's a huge load off his shoulders already. why would he even stop to think how you're falling apart. how devasting it is for you. how he aint gon be around when tt happens. going there with a heavy heart. returning home. feeling empty. AND no one to run to.

it aint his fault. i should have been more careful. I've been down this path before. i have only myself to blame.

what goes around comes around.

1:38 AM

Y
Saturday, October 20, 2007

When u'r feelin alone n lonely, remember i love u.
N i'll nv leave or fail u.
Ok?
Just remember tt.

comforted.

3:37 AM

Y
Thursday, October 18, 2007

I keep talking to myself
I have to get the words out of my head
So I did but you barely said a thing
You kind of heard me out and then you said
You're crazy why do you keep doing this
Everything is fine
Then I think I'm crazy
I do this all the time until I start to think that nothing's even wrong

Maybe I am hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just a picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be the way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't want to see it the way it really is
Sometimes your intentions are totally impossible to read
Sometimes even I have no idea what I need
I wish I did

I keep on falling in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I love you
My love is strong that I'd do wrong for you
I can't take this loneliness you've given me
I can't go on giving my life away
Sometimes I feel good at times I feel used
Every night I cry every night I sigh every night I wonder why
Loving you makes me so confused I have never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure and cause me so much pain
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool
I start falling back in love with you

Everyday I realise that this might be the last day of my life
Walking down the street I find that I'm coming closer and closer to losing my mind
I don't even know what I'm hustling for
Living will always be a struggle looking for someone true to love you
Looking back i see all the horrors, this madness makes me want to hide
I walk slowly, internally, I'm dying

There is nothing more to be here for
Take me away, I can't live this life no more

4:17 AM

Y
Tuesday, October 16, 2007

will you ever believe my words...

devastated.

lettin you go is not an easy decision at all. not at all.
if only you knew.e situations
i think of leaving in the worst possibl

12:42 AM

Y
Sunday, October 14, 2007

Stand up, stand up on your own, that's what they tell me
You can make it alone but where does it say I have to move
Far away from you to prove I'm strong, always
All it really proves is I'm lonely without you and loneliness has to be wrong

I wake up with no one to kiss
Sometimes I wonder if I just exist
I know there are people I can see, places I could be and friends who call
Oh but what good does it do, there's no substitute for you
I want you or nothing at all

I live for your love, every minute
I live for your love, want you in it
I live for your love, I admit it
I love for your love and your kisses, and know how I'm missing
Your sweet tender touch
I need you so much
That I just can't go on anymore
What I wouldn't give for 'cause of you darling.

i live for your love.

U'v been v supportive tho i'v been far away.
N u'v been there for me in almost everyway.
U'v always been a call or a msg away.
N u'v always been there for me financially too, tho i hate to say tt.
N i am most thankful that u'v given me peace of mind.
To be honest, i really tot i'd just die of anxiety bein so far away.
Cos if it weren't so, we wudn't have lasted till today.
I'm glad cos i really tot it'd be wayyyyyyy worse.
So with how u'v been, i think it's been great.
Cos really, i nv tot it'd be so smooth sailin.
Tho we'v had our ups n downs n bumps, it's still been pretty good, tho i'm so far way.
So w tt said, i'm glad.
I'v said, it's not been smooth sailin, but based on how u were prior to this, i really tot our rship wud have been close to impossible to maintain w e distance.
But we have made it thru w conflict yes, but let's put it this way...
I expected 100 000 000 000Lbs of shite n i'v gotten 1000Lbs, tt's v good wot.

denial.

3:47 AM

Y
Saturday, October 13, 2007

She'd always thought his love too good to be true.

Why?

Because it was?

(If he's been withholding the truth) It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Just that he has needs you can't take care of.

reality hits.

3:03 AM

Y
Thursday, October 11, 2007

I never believed in love
I was deceived by love
I never had much luck with lovers before
And I couldn't compete
I seemed just part of the street
To be walked on by everyone but

Then, I found a very special love in you
It's a feeling that's so totally new
Over and over, it's burning inside
And I found a very special love in you
And it almost breaks me in two
Squeezing me tighter
But I'm never gonna let go

You're not like the rest
I know you're one of the best
You give more than you should and take nothing in return
Stay always with me
And I always will be
The one person that you can count on always to love you

a very special love.

4:17 AM

Y
Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I'll rather you be mean than love and lie. I'll rather hear the truth than have to say goodbye. I'll rather take a blow at least than I will know but baby don't you break my heart slow...

i once said if ever you should lie to me, there goes the trust btw us. i will end our rshp cos there aint gonna be mutual trust existent.

we've yet to reach the extreme but i noe my level of trust in you has dropped a notch. white lie or not. lied to me you did.

i cant seem to put it behind me. i cant. simply cant.

am i trying far too keep this gg. am i wearing the both of us out. why cant i let go. i wish i'd the answer. i wish someone knew the answer. i keep looking forward to the future but is he doing the same. or is he taking it one step at a time. i no longer have the energy for a step-by-step, one day at a time sorta rshp. i wanna noe if you're gonna be the one whom i'll spend the rest of my life with. i dun wanna speculate my future husband. i dun wanna play guessing game. i want stability. but i duntink tts feasible foor you right now. wud i be the fool to be dumped aft foolishly waiting for 3 years?

Greetings from Sydney. says:
Anyway, i dun think stitch's gettin sick of u nor will he ever.. He'll always wanna be near u for as long as i do.. And tt'd be forever.

Forever. does tt still hold true now. sometimes i wish i nvr kept all these convos. it does everything to raise my hopes to the skies but does little to prepare for wots to come. the worst tts to come.

jaded.

3:27 AM

Y
Sunday, October 7, 2007

"Baby, I was falling aslp when i realised i forgot to sms u. So troublesome and expensive. Zz.. Night night"

SMS @ 2:19am (Sunday, 7 Oct 2007)

If it is too much to ask of, tell me so.

Mebbe you didnt mean it that way but still, It hurts.

HURT.

3:31 AM

CAUTION: Boring post ahead

Stitch modelling the latest Summer/Fall collection:

Cap: New Era/Stussy 3 G Cap

Singlet: Model's own

Dropped by Limited Edition @ Queensway for this (AF1s Supreme Canvas Limited Edition in Cognac),

and bought him this (Miz29 @ Queensway) too...

just wanted to spruce up my posts with the occasional images..:)

UPDATES: chatted with him for the longest time ever WITHOUT an argument! Happiest girl on earth tonight... just hope it stays this way.

Elated.

2:00 AM

Y
Saturday, October 6, 2007

what wonderful news. and it's double the joy.

both jean & ana are preggie. it's the 2nd for jean and the 1st for ana. i'm so excited for the both of them :)

when i heard the news, i was really elated. but then suddenly i found myself struggling with my emotions. it was a very strange feeling. i told ana i felt so overwhelmed with joy that i wanna cry but then i felt the sour sensation i feel so often when i'm upset. it was nice knowing your close friends are entering another phase in their lives. having REAL responsibilities. i'm longing for tt. the kinda belonging. i duno if tt sounds right. but when a couple is married, you make plans for the future with "US" in the picture as opposed to two singles who are mutually exclusive. there's no assurance tt things will eventually work out, tho being married doesnt mean forever either. but i guess there're moments when i wish i cud marry early, between 24 and 26 would be ideal but i noe tts sth v distant still. i wanna belong to sth, lyk my own family.

mebbe it's cos i have this burning desire to show tt i wudnt be a lousy parent lyk my dad has been for us. i noe i wanna be a better parent, 10, 100, a million times better than wot my parents have been. it's always easy to criticise but i noe and i'm determined to be a good one. digressing. argh.

they say women are the most beautiful on their wedding day.

i beg to differ. i tink mommies are the happiest and most beautiful people on earth.

this feeling sucks. cant write anymore.

envious.

4:03 AM

Y
Wednesday, October 3, 2007

i am still v bothered at the fact that he told a white lie. i persisted yet he didnt even flinch. ignore the kind intentions. it makes me wonder wot else he cud be or have been hiding from me all this while. he is the last person i wud expect to be lied to. apart from my past which i have revealed all to him, i've been as truthful as can be throughout our relationship. i have nt trusted anyone as much as i have with him. to be honest, this incident has affected me a great deal. i realised it is so because i saw an advert for SIA and it made me really sick in the stomach. the sour sensation as he aptly describes it. panic attack. i hate this.

is it instinct or habit to pull away when someone grabs you in the arm. yes. i'm sorry i said it wasnt. and you were right, i am still constantly haunted by tt one incident. i feel so misunderstood each time i irk you when i push you away. i dun mean to. not to you at least. and each time i do tt i regret almost immediately.

i hate that i'm obsessed with him. it is scary. i'm sorry baby. i wish it wasnt this way.

we were sitting on his bed aft yet another of my emotional outburst. for the first time, he asked if i have been giving thanks for having such an enduring boyfriend. i have always been. it's something that i'm very thankful for. no one has been so patient with me. ok. so there were but they merely just kept quiet and let it pass. but he actually takes the effort to find out wot is wrong and attempts to make it right. he has been really patient with me. guess tts why i find it so difficult to let go of wot we have. all the stuff that we've been thru. i will nvr forget how he stood by me when we first started out. he barely knew me yet he decided against all odds to be with me. i noe i am the luckiest girl around.

i keep thinking of all the nice girls he has around him. orphelia is so sweet, it's hard not to like her. i mean for her to pick me up at the airport just speaks volumes of her character. sure they don't hafta be supermodel reek thin or poster girl beautiful and tts wots worrying. i'm worried. very worried. it doesnt help tt my mood swings are as erratic as the weather in Sydney. it wears him out. i can feel his weariness.

it tugs at my heartstrings when he refers to ourselves as daddy and mummy. lyk how our kids will ask about daddy and mummy in the future. on one hand, the impression is tt he is taking this relationship seriously and tt reassures me, however, i'm afraid it may have just been a casual remark on his part and i am simply thinking too much into it and tt there is a future for the both of us, so to speak. sigh. i cant say i iaint committed to the relationship. i'm afraid to throw myself in completely. i duno how i'll ever recover from the heartache if we were to indeed go on our separate ways.

i'm afraid to get hurt cos i truly love him. i noe i do when i dun hesitate to spend money to fly over to surprise him. when i offer to pay for his bills and stuff with out a second thought. when i am willing to buy anything he likes without thinking of how it means i'll hafta tighten my purse strings. i noe i do when i commit an impulsive and suicidal stunt and not think abt the dire consequences.

white lies or not, i simply dun wanna be lied to. all i need is absolute truthfulness.

upset.

4:13 AM

Y
Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Tuesday, 25 Sep: Departed SIN @ 7:45pm
Wednesday, 26 Sep: Arrived SYD @ 5:15am

that was the longest 7.5hours of my life...

cleared the customs ard 6ish and Orphelia was waiting at the arrival hall. it was really sweet of her to travel to the airport to pick me up - a total stranger at that. found out a wee bit about herself. gave me a little peek into his world in sydney. arrived at Central station then took a bus down to her place. it was really cold. or was i simply too anxious to see him. watched Just Like Heaven. had my 1st KK (of the many to come in the next couple of days). original glazed. yummy! took a shower to freshen up then slowly made our way to Campos (a coffee joint) in Newtown, just a stone's throw away from his apt. that was 9:30am. i was feeling excited yet apprehensive to meet him. I reckon Orphelia was talking to me but I was totally phased out. then out oition. youf the blue, she appeared uneasy and excused herself. it felt odd. it made me feel incredibly ill at ease. a girl's intuition. she left abruptly and i just sat and waited for what seemed like forever, then i thot i heard sth. looked up and there he was. that familiar face. it felt so unreal. lyk yea that's him. i simply did not know how to react and before i know it, we were on our way to his apt.

it felt so good to be held by him again. so warm. so tight. yet i felt uncomfy. i noe it's me being all paranoid. i told him wot happened with Orphelia earlier but he brushed me off. as expected. but we'll see about it.
headed out for lunch @ Shalom near Broadway. Albert met up with us later. then came Andi. hung out with them @ Bondi junction then Bondi Beach. i must have bored the crap outta them. the pple @ the beach must have thought I was insane. i was shivering in my A&F jacket while every other person was skimpily clad in their bikinis and boardshorts. took a couple of pics and all. walked half the length of the beach then took the bus back to his place.
had ice cream @ gelatissmo. hey they sevred pretty decent lychee ice cream. tried the strawberry ripple. or was it raspberry ripple. ewww... hated the taste of the syrup. Orphelia dropped by but as i'd expected, she left as soon as she arrived.

Thursday, 27 Sep

woke up mightily late. he brought me to world square, world tower, cant rem the names. window shopped, lyk we always do. remined me of how much i missed those times just walking abt town with him. wot did we have for lunch? mmm... KKs? i reckon. did we buy anything? yea my LEE jeans. had dinner @ Kura (japanese restuarant) tho we almost cudnt locate it. had beef curry rice while he had his beef & egg don. headed for Star City thereafter. For all of my my twenty-four years, i've nvr set foot in a casino so it was an eye-opener for me. he settled for Blackjack and had a mini windfall. we stayed till late then dabbled in a little computer roulette. it was fun. took a cab home. tt was wot, AUD30? wanted to have kebab but it was closed. walked further down the stretch to lk for food but everything was closed for the day. tough luck. settled for exhorbitantly priced cookies and snacks instead.
i'm racking my brain. just rtned ytd but everything seems like a blur. we covered so many places over such a short period of time. i cant exactly recall where I'd been on specific days.

Friday, 28 Sep

had dinner @ the famous Pancake on the Rocks. caesar salad and pancakes with strawberry ice-cream. took a walk to the sydney harbour bridge, well, we were beneath it. could see the operahouse from afar. took pictures of it and the full moon along darling harbour. it was such a beautiful sight.

Saturday, 29 Sep

walked abt the city again. dinner at Ichi-ban boshi. Star City. played Pontoon without even realising. met a really nice ex-Mauritian uncle who gave him pointers. won quite abit. AUD350? i lost AUD30 at roulette. sulk.

Sunday, 30 Sep

went to Oxford Street then onto Paddington. a couple of interesting shops in the area. the neighbourhood was relatively quiet tho. prob cos it was a sunday. baby bought me a Zoo York jacket i fancied. cost him AUD79. totally sucked at trying to convince him tt i didnt. he commented tt we managed to cover more than he'd planned for in tt one day. really glad i extended my stay. else i wud have felt short-changed. not so much the money spent on the tix but the time i cud have spent with him had i not. had Kura for dinner again. this time i had the curry udon, which was quite a disappointment cos i'd expected it to be dry with only the curry but it turned out to be soup-based with the curry layered above. yea sounds odd but tasted OK. headed over to some japanese restaurant @ Capital Square to pass Orphelia the KKS i bot her. didnt noe wot to do with the night being so young still. decided to watch Rush Hour 3 @ Greater Union. it was so ex. i felt bad that he had to fork out AUD24.60 for tt.

Monday, 1 Oct: Departed SYD @ 3:30pm; Arrived SIN@ 10:00pm

walked abt Newtown. took in the final sights of the place where i'd spent almost a wk. feelg sad and reluctant to leave. had no difficulty settlin in besides the chilly and somewhat erratic climatic changes. a HUGE tarantula fell on me. i was grossed out but didnt feel so then. prob too shocked see spidey scurry away on the ground. he was so horrified. it was a sight seeing him bend over and kept exclaiming it's damn friggin' huge! tt thingy fell on me can. it was quite a sight. had Burgerlicious for lunch. it was good. packed lyk 3 dozens of KKs. and got half a dozen free. so nice of the staff..ha. we were delighted :) tears rolled at the check-in gate. i hugged him real tight. nvr know when it'll be the last. i honestly didnt wanna leave but no way i was gonna be able to extend another day. wud prob be more difficult to tear myself fr him with each day. didnt even turn to look back when i walked thru the gate. was incredibly upset. was nice to receive msgs fr him onboard the plane. it was a really long journey home.

i retract my initial statement. this was the LONGEST 7.5 hours of my life.

**************************************************************************************************************************************
i remember having viet beef noodles. also had Chix burger @ Istanbul. he bot me a dress fr valleygirl & forcast. my paul frank puch. ezy way bubble tea @ AUD4.50?! a cup. i also recall going to DFO but WHEN? freaks me out to know that I cant recall stuff that occured only a wk ago. Gee.

hahaha. i recall the both of us trying to annoy the crap outta each other by playing with our saliva. correction. only he was playing with it. damn gross. but we had a good laugh. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....you see you see (starts singing). it was hilarious.

i'm glad i decided to make the surprise visit. in his own words, it is an intense reminder of why he tries so hard to keep this going.

Love.

3:15 AM